How the separation process works in the UK
By Tom2 min read
The short answer
In the UK, separation isn't a single legal event. Most couples start with informal separation: living apart, agreeing childcare and finances without going to court. Many then put a separation agreement in writing, setting out who pays what and how the children are looked after. If you want the arrangements legally binding, or you're heading toward divorce, you'll usually attend a MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting). Most courts require this before they'll hear a family case. Divorce is a separate process and can happen later, or not at all if you choose to stay married but live apart.
Tom’s reflection
The thing I didn't realise at the start was that separation isn't really one thing. When I first started looking into it I was googling "how to separate from your wife" and getting answers about divorce, which felt like jumping ten steps ahead. We've not filed for divorce. We might not, for a while. We're just living apart now and trying to work out the children.
What we did first was talk. Then we talked more, and that worked until it didn't. The bit that's stuck is childcare. Not the principle of it. We both want them with both of us. It's the rota that's hard. Whose week is whose, who does the school pickup on which day, what happens in the holidays.
In the Solo Session, Meedi helped me see I was making it bigger than it was. I had a sort of vague dread about "sorting out the kids" as if it was one huge decision. It's a hundred small ones. We're working through them.
We've got a MIAM booked for next month. That's a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting. We're going voluntarily, not because we've been told to. The thinking is that having a third person in the room will keep us out of the loop we get into when it's just us.
If you're at the start of this and don't know what order to do things in, the honest answer is that there isn't one order. You don't have to file for divorce to live apart. You don't have to have everything decided to start mediation. You just have to be in agreement that you're going to do this without making each other miserable, and then take one decision at a time.