If you are in immediate danger, call 999. If you cannot speak, call 999 and press 55 to alert the police silently (the Silent Solution).

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247. Free, confidential, 24/7. For ongoing support see Refuge and Women’s Aid.

Coercive control is a criminal offence in England and Wales under the Serious Crime Act 2015. This is not a mediation issue. Meedi8 will not invite you to mediate. You can talk to Meedi privately below at your own pace.

Coercive control: how to recognise it and where to get help

A pattern of behaviour used to dominate, isolate, and frighten another person, what it looks like, and how to get help safely.

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The short answer

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to dominate, isolate, and frighten another, usually a partner or family member. It is not a communication problem and it is not something you can fix by handling conversations better. In England and Wales it is a criminal offence under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. It often leaves no bruises. It works through control of your money, your movements, your phone, and your contact with other people, and through making you doubt your own judgement until your world has quietly narrowed to what one person allows. The most important first step is not a technique to use in the moment. It is to recognise the pattern for what it is, understand that it is not your fault, and talk to someone who specialises in this. The helplines on this page are free, confidential, and staffed by people who deal with exactly this.

How to recognise coercive control

Coercive control is a pattern, built from many small things that look minor on their own and only reveal themselves when you step back and see them together. It rarely starts as control. It often starts as attention that gradually tightens.

This is abuse. Naming it plainly is the point, because coercive control works by making it hard to name. You do not need to have been hit for this to be serious, and the law does not require it either.

Isolation. Cutting you off from friends and family. Making it difficult or unpleasant to see people, until it is easier not to.
Monitoring. Checking your phone, your messages, your location. Wanting to know where you are and who you are with, all the time.
Control of money. Restricting what you can spend, making you account for every purchase, taking your wages or benefits, running up debt in your name.
Control of daily life. Setting rules about what you wear, eat, where you go, when you sleep. Punishing you when the rules are broken.
Degradation. Constant criticism, name-calling, being made to feel worthless, stupid, or that no one else would want you.
Threats and intimidation. Threats to hurt you, themselves, the children, or pets. Threats to leave you with nothing, to take the children, to expose something about you.
Making you account for yourself. Having to explain time, receipts, conversations. Feeling watched even when you are alone.

Why it is so hard to see from the inside

If you are reading this unsure whether what you are living with counts, that uncertainty is part of how coercive control works.

It escalates slowly, so each step feels small compared to the last. It often mixes control with affection, so you keep hoping the kind version is the real one. And it reliably makes you doubt your own perception, so you end up wondering whether you are the problem, whether you are overreacting, whether you are the one being difficult. You are not overreacting for taking it seriously.

There is no version of this where it is your fault. Abuse is a choice the other person makes. Nothing you did caused it and nothing you can do will reliably make it stop, because it is not a response to you, it is a strategy of theirs.

What you can do safely

This page does not offer techniques for managing the other person, because coercive control is not a relationship problem to be managed and trying to placate someone who is controlling you can put you at greater risk. What follows is about your safety.

Talk to a specialist. The helplines below are staffed by people who understand coercive control and will not judge you, push you, or tell you what to do. They will help you think about your options and your safety at your own pace. You do not have to be planning to leave to call them.
Be careful with digital traces. If the person controlling you monitors your devices, browsing this page, searching for help, or messaging a service can be risky. Use a device they cannot access if you can, such as a friend's phone or a library computer. Open private or incognito browsing. Many helpline websites have a quick-exit button and guidance on covering your tracks.
Keep a record only if it is safe to. A private, dated note of incidents can help if you later involve the police or a solicitor, but only if it cannot be found. If there is any risk it will be discovered, your safety comes first.
Do not confront them with the label. Telling someone "this is coercive control" or "this is a crime" tends to escalate risk rather than change behaviour. Get advice from a specialist before you act, especially if you are thinking about leaving, because the period around leaving is known to be the most dangerous.
Make a safety plan. Specialist services can help you put together a plan, what to take, where to go, how to keep yourself and any children safe. You do not have to work this out alone.

Where to get help

All of these are free and confidential.

In an emergency, call 999. If you cannot speak safely, call 999 then press 55 to alert the police silently.
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge), for women: 0808 2000 247, 24/7. nationaldahelpline.org.uk (live chat available on the site).
Men's Advice Line, for men experiencing abuse: 0808 8010 327. mensadviceline.org.uk
Galop, for LGBT+ people experiencing abuse: 0800 999 5428. galop.org.uk
Women's Aid offers a live chat service and a survivors' forum. womensaid.org.uk

Talk it through with Meedi, privately

If you are not ready to call a helpline yet, or you just want a private space to put words to what has been happening, Meedi can be that. It is a confidential conversation, on your phone or in your browser, that will not be shared with anyone. Meedi will not suggest mediation here. Mediation is not appropriate where there is abuse or coercive control. It assumes two people negotiating as equals, and that is exactly what coercive control removes.

Common questions

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to dominate, isolate, and frighten another, usually a partner or family member. It can include controlling your money, monitoring your phone and movements, cutting you off from friends and family, setting rules about daily life, constant criticism, and threats. It often involves no physical violence at all. In England and Wales it is a criminal offence under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015.

Yes. In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship is a criminal offence under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015, carrying a maximum sentence of five years. Scotland has its own offence under the Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018, and Northern Ireland under the Domestic Abuse and Civil Proceedings Act (Northern Ireland) 2021. You do not need to have suffered physical violence for the behaviour to be a crime.

The difference is a sustained pattern that takes away your freedom and makes you afraid or dependent, rather than isolated arguments or one partner being more dominant. Coercive control is repeated, deliberate, and cumulative: it isolates you, monitors you, restricts what you can do, and erodes your sense of your own judgement until your life is shaped around avoiding one person's reactions. If you are frightened, if your world has narrowed, if you are accounting for your time and money to someone, that is the territory this page is about.

No. Mediation is not appropriate where there is abuse or coercive control. Mediation assumes two people negotiating freely as equals, and coercive control removes exactly that equality, so it can be unsafe and can be used by the controlling person to continue the abuse. Family mediators in the UK screen for domestic abuse for this reason, and a case involving coercive control would not be suitable for mediation. If you need to resolve practical or legal matters, specialist domestic abuse services and family law solicitors can advise on safe routes.

Contact a specialist service, which is free, confidential, and staffed by people who deal with this every day. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is on 0808 2000 247, 24/7. The Men's Advice Line (0808 8010 327) supports men, and Galop (0800 999 5428) supports LGBT+ people. In an emergency call 999, and if you cannot speak, press 55 to alert the police silently. If you are monitored, use a device the other person cannot access. You do not have to be planning to leave to ask for advice.

Meedi8 is a private, structured-conversation tool. The information on this page is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or professional safeguarding support.